Open Hands...a recap of a day in Nashville

About this time a year ago, I looked longingly at Facebook photos of authors I loved and book fans gathered at a restaurant in Nashville, TN for the first Reader and Writer Brunch. More than anything I wished I could be there. I've been a Christian fiction reader for at least twenty years, if not more. I would raid the church library from the time I was a kid, and once books went digital, my first Kindle given to me by my parents for my birthday one year became a prized possession. As many of you know, I love doing book reviews and supporting as many authors as I can. There are just too many reasons why I've never stopped, but one of the big reasons is the connections I've made with some of these authors that I admire so much.

A few months ago when a Facebook post about buying a ticket to The Art of Writing conference and The Christy Awards gala popped into my feed, that longing rose up again in my heart...and I hoped more than anything that this would be the year I could go. It seemed basically impossible. I would have to take off a few days from teaching (and we don't get a lot of personal days ;-) ), arrange for the kids schedule to be taken care of, etc. I presented the idea to my husband and I think he was feeling a lot like I was...this would kind of be a long shot. The best thing I could do was go to God with open hands; to surrender the longings of my heart and receive the blessings He wanted to give, whether it be what I wanted or not.

What seemed like a long shot became a reality when God provided the cost of the ticket, my loving husband agreed to take care of our children's needs, and my brother and sister in law welcomed me to stay in their home while I was in Nashville. My excitement, and even some anxiety, grew as the day drew near for me to take off to "Nashvegas". On the way up I called one of my best friends and we talked about what I hoped to see God do while I was there. She knew about my interest in writing, along with insecurities I had about being good enough or if it was even something God was calling me to. It could be that God just wanted me to continue being a reader, fan, and book reviewer, which I was totally OK with, too. I told her I was going in with open hands, once again, ready to receive whatever God wanted to show me and do in my life through the experience.

Last Wednesday morning my heart was beating so fast. I sent a text to my husband and asked him to pray for me. I wasn't used to driving around in a big, unfamiliar city by myself and I simply wanted to find good parking and not have a wreck or something before I had a chance to arrive at this year's Reader and Writer Brunch. He replied, "Praying. No need to be nervous." He was right! God provided an awesome parking space, for free, right where I needed to be. Deep breath. Now I needed to walk into this restaurant by myself and start mingling with people I've never met in person before. I like meeting new people, but it was still a little intimidating. As I walked in and looked around, I caught sight of one of my favorite Christian fiction authors, Becky Wade. When she saw me, she

stood up, walked over to me and said something like, "Hi Stacey! I recognized you from Facebook and I'm so glad you're here!" To be seen and known...one of the most beautiful gifts a person can be given, especially when they've been having a rough season. We were able to have a lovely conversation and she introduced me to Courtney Walsh, another author that I have connected with some online. Courtney also made me feel so welcomed and we proceeded to have a great conversation. The morning went on and I was able to meet several other kind and generous authors and even some fellow readers like myself who happen to live only 20 minutes from me! God never ceases to amaze me. The whole morning was like an infusion of joy to my heart.

Right after the brunch I decided to go ahead to Lipscomb University where the conference and gala were being held. I wanted to make sure I was able to park (why was I so stressed about parking?! lol) and figure out where I was supposed to go. I met some other authors and readers while I was waiting and it was so much fun! My tank was getting so full....but I was just getting started. As I was checking in, I saw one of the people I've longed to meet for years. Laura Frantz is an award-winning author, but for many years we've also been friends...however, we've never met in person! Our acquaintance started about 7 plus years ago when I requested a bookplate to go inside one of her books and she sent me the sweetest note of encouragement with it. It just so happened I received that note at a time when I was experiencing some heartbreak over a broken friendship and it blessed my heart so deeply. Our friendship grew as we exchanged notes and messages online over the years. To say I was happy when we were finally able to hug each others' necks is a gross understatement. We spent the next several minutes talking like old friends, which made me feel so special and cared for. Simple acts can feel so deeply fulfilling and holy. We spent the day hanging out with another sweet friend I've known for about 8 years, Melanie Dickerson. She is also an award-winning author and has been so kind and generous to me, encouraging me to write and has helped point me forward when I wanted to pursue it. Two amazing and beautiful people that I was blessed to spend time with.

The night ended with a wonderful dinner, fun conversation with my new reader friends, and cheering on the authors who presented and won for their categories. What a wonderful privilege it was! As I said my goodbyes all I could think of was what an incredible day I had. I went into this day with open hands, wondering if God was going to give me some insight about writing and if I wanted to try to move forward or if I should stay where I'm at. At the end of the day, I didn't necessarily have the answer to that question. What I did walk away with was what the Lord knew I needed most: a day to feel loved, known, of joy overflowing, and belonging. Those are just a few of the things. It's not that I never have those feelings in my everyday life, but there have been a lot of hard days lately. Open hands to the gifts He wants to give me, receiving His blessings and responding with gratitude, is the way I want to move forward.

Reviewer's Bookshelf: Dead Drift by Dani Pettrey

Book Summary (Goodreads)...Private Investigator Kate Maxwell never stopped loving Luke Gallagher after he disappeared. Now he's back, and together they must unravel a twisting thread of secrets, lies, and betrayal while on the brink of a biological disaster that will shake America to its core. Will they and their love survive, or will Luke and Kate become the terrorist's next target?

My thoughts...What an amazing finale to Dani Pettrey's Chesapeake Valor series! Honestly, I feel like I need to go back a reread all of them. Each book was released about a year apart, so I feel like I may have forgotten some of the details leading up to Dead Drift.  Take my advice and don't start with this one...read them all! Each book builds on the one before it and this story begins right where the last one left off. The Chesapeake Valor series tells the story of a group of friends that are more like family (and some are!) and how their lives have changed by one traumatic event. Dead Drift mainly tells the story of Luke, who disappeared from the lives of his friends for seven years, and the girl he left behind...Kate. 

Suspense. Romance. A murder mystery. Terrorist plots. Friendship. You'll get all of this as you dive into this intense, well-paced novel. I don't typically read much suspense, so I wasn't really used to the level of intensity...but it was great! Enough to get the pulse racing, but not too much that it made me feel uncomfortable. There was just the right amount of romantic tension and tender moments, which helped balance out the action and suspense. You basically get a little bit of everything. I couldn't put it down!!

Personal takeaway...Trust in the mission God has called you to. He will give you the wisdom and strength to complete it.

**I received a free copy of this book from the publisher via Netgalley in order to share my honest opinions, which I did.**

Reviewer's Bookshelf: Sons of Blackbird Mountain

Book Summary (Goodreads): When Aven Norgaard leaves Norway to serve as housekeeper to her late husband’s cousins in Appalachia, she expects lads in need of care, not three grown men—each in need of a wife and bound by a powerful brotherhood. As the men carve out a living by brewing artisan liquor, young Haakon’s pursuit tempts Aven’s lonely spirit . . . but it is his deaf brother, Thor, whose silent strength shows her the depths of real love.

Unable to speak to any woman, Thor Norgaard never anticipates Aven will befriend him, let alone treat him as her safe harbor. Though hard cider is their livelihood and his greatest talent, he fights his way to sobriety with Haakon’s help, defying the bottle for Aven’s hand—only to face a battle of the heart that tests even the strongest bonds of brotherhood. 

My thoughts...Joanne Bischof blew me away with her book, "The Lady and the Lionheart." I loved it! Her newest release, "Sons of Blackbird Mountain," has got me all shook up...in a good way. The depth of story and characters is breathtaking. It's one of those books that I want to pick up and read again (and I rarely reread books). There is also a lot happening in the plot, but it's all intertwined in a way that makes it realistic. The romantic tension was on point, accentuated by the vulnerability in both the hero and heroine. But wow...Bischof knows how to write a vulnerable hero.

Thor Norgaard. My heart beat a little faster when he came to life on these pages. He is so strong and masculine, yet his vulnerability makes him ultra swoonworthy. He is deaf, but we get to hear his voice through the words on the page. Aven is also vulnerable as she arrives in a place that is nothing that she expected. Thor shows her what it means to have value and persevere through difficult circumstances. 

This book tackles so many important issues: disabilities, addiction, prejudice, abuse...to name a few. Joanne addresses these in such an honest, realistic way. Woven through is faith in God and dependence on Him to overcome. I can't even accurately express how phenomenal this book is. 

Personal takeaway...No problem is too great for a great God. 

**I received a free copy of this book from the publisher via Netgalley. The opinions expressed are my own.**

Reviewer's bookshelf:The Road to Magnolia Glen by Pam Hillman

Book summary (Goodreads): 1792, Natchez Trace, MS
Bitter since his eldest brother abandoned their family in Ireland, Quinn O’Shea travels to Natchez, Mississippi, ready to shuck the weight of his duty and set off on an adventure of his own. It’s time Connor, as head of the family, took responsibility for their younger siblings. While aboard ship, a run-in with three Irish sisters lands Quinn in the role of reluctant savior. Though it may delay his plans, he cannot abandon the Young sisters, especially the tenacious yet kind Kiera.

Upon arriving in the colonies, Kiera Young prepares to meet her intended and begin her new life. But she soon discovers the marriage her brother-in-law arranged was never meant to be, and a far more sinister deal was negotiated for her and her sisters.

Quinn offers to escort his charges safely to Breeze Hill Plantation and his brother’s care, fully intending to seek his freedom elsewhere. But the longer he remains, the greater his feelings toward Kiera grow and the more he comes to realize true freedom might be found in sacrifice.

My thoughts...This is the second book in the Natchez Trace series. You don't necessarily have to read the first book in the series, but it definitely helps fill in the gaps with this sequel. From the very beginning, there is a lot of action going on. As Kiera and Quinn cross the Atlantic with their siblings, tension builds as Kiera knows that she is on her way to her intended in America. When they arrive, the tension doesn't stop but keeps building up as there is evil in their midst. While they manage to escape for the moment, the evil lurks throughout the novel, which helps maintain the suspense even as the story transitions to Breeze Hill Plantation.

Pam Hillman continues to write strong characters in this sequel, just as there were in the first novel. The previous characters do reappear and contribute to the plot and suspense. There was a good amount of clean romantic tension as well, which is always my favorite ; ). Quinn and Kiera both go on a journey of self-discovery, each having a need to let go of past hurts. As they face many hardships, they also take a spiritual journey that builds their faith. 

My only personal pet peeve in the story were some terrible choices that some of the minor characters made that were almost unbelievable. It did help bring about a building of suspense, but it was one of those moments for me that made me think, "Why would they think that's a good idea?!" I guess that's why it's fiction ; ).

Personal takeaway: God is sovereign over our past, present, and future.

**I received a free copy of this book from the publisher via Netgalley to share my personal opinions, which I did**

Be You, Baby Girl

When my baby girl was about to be born a little over 11 years ago, I had it all planned out. I had worked for months getting her room all set up. I took birth classes, a hospital tour, breast feeding classes, CPR class...the whole deal. Let's just say none of that went as planned. Not a single thing. I had to leave the hospital without my baby. She was in the NICU and they kept me in the hospital for as long as they could...7 days...while I tried to get through a very difficult birth experience. By the time I had to be discharged Sophie wasn't quite ready to come home. Friends and family saw my baby before I did...I didn't see her until a day after she was born. I was so drugged up I didn't even walk the first day. I couldn't see...somehow my glasses got lost in the midst of our transitioning from one room to another. We finally found them, but everything about the day she was born was a literal blur. When I finally did see her, she was hooked up to an IV and machines...I was afraid to hurt her. Then as she was getting better, one of the nurses would gush over Sophie and say how much she enjoyed holding her during the day. I know she meant well, but it was heartbreaking for me. We finally got to bring her home and she was perfectly fine, but I was dealing with a lot of emotions about the whole experience.

Maybe deep down I also kind of had it planned out as to how our relationship would be, even as she was a young child. That didn't turn out quite what I thought, either. As Sophie grew, she was not your typical baby. She was sleeping all night by 7 weeks old. She liked to be on her own...she didn't really care to be held much or rocked to sleep. The older she has gotten, the more independent she has become. My boys were quite the opposite, so there were times when I wasn't sure how to respond to what I thought was a personality so unlike mine.

First born children...us parents are learning on them. We're trying all the input out...how to feed them, discipline them, love them, potty train them...all the things. My expectations for my smart, independent girl have been sky high. She is quirky (she likes to say she's weird and proud of it). I have had trouble embracing that...because I think deep down I'm expecting her to be like me. The grown up version of me that knows how to act in public, filter my words, match my clothes really well, be this and be that.

So it hit me the other day....my baby girl is just like me in more ways that I realized. The kid version of me. And praise the Lord, it's not too late for me to enjoy who she is in the here and now. Embrace her quirkiness while gently guiding her into maturity. Teach her that God made her just the way she was meant to be because I believe that God has wonderful plans for my girl. Sophie went to camp last week and each girl at camp was given an "award" from their counselor. She was given the "Creative award." The message on the back from her counselor says in part:
"You have been such a joy to me since day one and your respectfulness and love for God and others has been so evident through all of your actions. I believe that God has a great plan for you and will use your kindness to tell the story of Jesus."
This message brought tears to my eyes. To see my precious girl through the eyes of another was a beautiful thing...and a good reminder that God is using her just the way she is. She still needs guidance and correction, and that is part of my job as her mother. But there is also so much I can learn from being around her.

Be you, baby girl. Just the way God made you, quirks and all. Your Momma is learning from you...how to be free from worrying so much about what others think. I love watching you embrace who you are...and you don't realize it now but it's teaching me to do the same. Being around you reminds me of who I was at your age...a young girl who loved being loud, crazy, and silly but who was also passionate about Jesus and telling others about Him. I thank God for all that He's doing in your life and He's using it to work in mine. Love you dearly, my Sophie girl.

Reviewer's Bookshelf: Timeless Love: Romantic Stories that Span the Ages by various authors

Summary ...This is the first time I've reviewed a novella collection and hopefully it won't be my last! Each story was written by a different author and in chronological time. The proceeds from the novel will be donated to the LiveStrong foundation, which supports those who affected by cancer. This is near to my heart as I am a cancer survivor and my mother and grandfather passed away from cancer. To learn more about LiveStrong, click here.  Here is a list of each novella and its author:
*Give Me Thine Heart~1812~Andrea Boeshaar
*This Freedom Journey~1833~Misty M. Beller
*The Heart of Home~1865~Stephenia H. McGee
*Enchanting Nicholette~1893~Dawn Crandall
*Teach Me to Love~1899~Kari Trumbo
*Facade~1942~Pepper D. Basham
*Bookishly Ever After~2018~Sarah Monzon

My thoughts...I was pleasantly surprised by these novellas. The plots were very engaging from the start. Even though they were a little shorter than your typical full length novel, each story was very developed. One thing I don't like about some novellas I've read is that the hero and heroine practically fall in love at first sight, which means the romantic tension sometimes falls a little flat. This was not the case with these novellas. Each story had a different type of clean romantic story line that most certainly didn't fall flat. There were spiritual overtones in this collection but it was more subtle in some than others. In every case, it didn't have a "preachy" feel. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this collection and have now been able to read books from several authors that I had not previously read. Go now to Amazon and pick up this perfect summer read!!

**I received a free copy of this collection from the publisher in order to share my honest opinion, which I did.**

Reviewer's Bookshelf: A Rebel Heart by Beth White

Book Summary (Goodreads): Five years after the final shot was fired in the War Between the States, Selah Daughtry can barely manage to keep herself, her two younger sisters, and their spinster cousin fed and clothed. With their family's Mississippi plantation swamped by debt and the Big House falling down around them, the only option seems to be giving up their ancestral land.

Pinkerton agent and former Union cavalryman Levi Riggins is investigating a series of robberies and sabotage linked to the impoverished Daughtry plantation. Posing as a hotel management agent for the railroad, he tells Selah he'll help her save her home, but only if it is converted into a hotel. With Selah otherwise engaged with renovations, Levi moves onto the property to "supervise" while he actually attends to his real assignment right under her nose.

Selah isn't sure she entirely trusts the handsome Yankee, but she'd do almost anything to save her home. What she never expected to encounter was his assault on her heart.

My thoughts...The opening scene in this historical Christian fiction novel was an explosion of pulse-raising excitement, filled with anticipation of what was going to happen in the lives of Selah and her family. The next scene skipped forward in time, but was equally as thrilling, featuring a disastrous train wreck. Both of these scenes were important to the plot and set up the novel really well, but seemed like the pace slowed down quite a bit after that. The bulk of the story did have some intrigue and romantic tension sprinkled through it, but the pace didn't match the beginning of the novel until close to the end. The hero and heroine were likable characters, and the villain was well-written. 

I'm a little unsure how I feel about this novel! I was drawn in at the beginning, but found it hard to stay fully engaged 'til the end. I was a little distracted by some of the vocabulary (ex. exigencies, palanquin, dudgeon, and posit to name a few) and one of the characters that is a regular 14 year old kid most of the novel goes into a highly scientific explanation of something, and after that seemed like your average kid again. These were mostly just distractions, but it was noticeable enough to slow the pace down for me. I love complexity, and even challenging vocabulary, but consistency is important as well. I'm leaning towards 3.5 stars.

Personal takeaway...Your circumstances in life may take some difficult turns, but God can bring beauty from the ashes.

**I was given a free copy of this novel from the publisher via NetGalley in order to share my honest opinions, which I did.**

Reviewer's bookshelf: The Love Letter by Rachael Hauck

Book Summary (Amazon): When Chloe is given a peek at the script for an epic love story, she decides to take her destiny into her own hands and request an audition for the lead female role, Esther Kingsley. The compelling tale, inspired by family lore and a one-page letter from the colonial ancestor of scriptwriter Jesse Gates, just might break her out of this career-crippling rut. Jesse would rather write about romance than live through it after his past relationship ended in disaster. But once on-set together, the chemistry between Jesse and his leading lady is hard to deny.

Centuries earlier, in the heart of the Revolutionary War, Hamilton Lightfoot and Esther Longfellow wrote their saga off the silver screen. Esther’s Loyalist father opposes any relationship with Hamilton, but Esther must face her beloved father’s disapproval and the dangers of war in order to convince Hamilton of their future together. Hamilton has loved Esther for years, and on the eve of battle pens the love letter she’s always wanted—something straight from the heart.  

Set in stunning upcountry South Carolina, The Love Letter is a beautifully crafted story of the courage it takes to face down fear and chase after love, even in the darkest of times. And just maybe, all these generations later, love can come home in a way not even Hollywood could imagine.

My thoughts....There are pros and cons to a novel with a split story line. The pros are that you practically get two novels in one, with two sets of characters, and in this case, two different time periods. Rachel Hauck takes these two complex romances and weaves them together to make one complete novel. Both were interesting and kept my attention, but I tended to drift towards the story of Chloe and Jesse. There was more closure with their story. I also enjoyed the romantic tension and plot line more with these two characters. Another pro is that the switch between time periods keeps the plot moving at a great pace.

The cons of a split story line are that you don't get as much information and detail that you would in a singular novel. You get basically half the amount dedicated to each aspect of the story. The two do somewhat converge, but I would've loved to know more, especially about Esther and Hamilton. 

Considering these pros and cons, I would still highly recommend this novel! It was quite enjoyable and I had a hard time putting it down : ). The personal journey that Chloe took in this novel was especially inspiring. 

Personal takeaway: Courage takes on many forms, even ways that we could not expect. To love takes courage, and it is worth facing our fears for.

**I received a free copy of this novel from the publisher via NetGalley in order to share my honest opinions, which I did.**

Reviewer's Bookshelf: A Defense of Honor by Kristi Ann Hunter

Book Summary (Amazon): When Katherine "Kit" FitzGilbert turned her back on London society more than a decade ago, she determined never to set foot in a ballroom again. But when business takes her to London and she's forced to run for her life, she stumbles upon not only a glamorous ballroom but also Graham, Lord Wharton. What should have been a chance encounter becomes much more as Graham embarks on a search for his friend's missing sister and is convinced Kit knows more about the girl than she's telling.

After meeting Graham, Kit finds herself wishing things could have been different for the first time in her life, but what she wants can't matter. Long ago, she dedicated herself to helping women escape the same scorn that drove her from London and raising the innocent children caught in the crossfire. And as much as she desperately wishes to tell Graham everything, revealing the truth isn't worth putting him and everyone she loves in danger.

My thoughts... This book was not what I expected...and I was pleasantly surprised. It is not your typical Regency-style novel, but explored a topic that is often hinted at but never really addressed. What happens when a romantic tryst leads to an unwanted pregnancy? What happens to the children and the adults involved? Kit has given up London society, her family, and her reputation to protect women and children...but the way she does this is controversial. You could even say immoral.

The moral dilemmas in this novel was so well written. Often it seems pretty cut and dry which character is going on the wrong path, but I could honestly see both Kit and Graham's perspective. It takes faith and wisdom from God for them to work towards a resolution. Kit wrestles with a deep need to receive forgiveness and move past the guilt and shame that drives her. She also has to learn what a relationship with an honorable man could be like. 

Personal takeaway...Guilt and shame are a burden that God gladly bears. Receiving His forgiveness can help us live a life filled with peace and freedom. 

This is an intriguing novel that covers a wide range of plot elements. I would definitely recommend it!

**I received a free copy of this novel from the publisher via NetGalley in order to share my opinion, which I did.**

Thoughts from a Back to Work Mom

We're only a few days away...just three days of post planning for teachers...before we finish up the 2017-2018 school year. Wow. I'm honestly just thankful I made it through one of the roughest school years of my life. But I can also say that it's been one of the most impactful...mostly in a positive way. ; ) No matter how difficult it seemed, even on days that I really just felt like giving up, God reminded me that He is my Provider and He had this year planned from the beginning of time.

Confession time. I'm speaking only for myself here...not other moms, wives, husbands, people in general. There was a certain level of pride in my heart about being a stay at home mom. I also battled pride in our humble financial status because we chose to sacrifice so that I could be home with our children, taking care of the house, and homeschooling. Don't get me wrong...all of the things I was doing were exactly what the Lord wanted me to do and they were good things. God blessed us, provided for us in miraculous ways, and gave us so much joy during this time. The problem wasn't what we were doing, it was the pride that would creep in.

God has a great way of humbling us, while thankfully blessing us at the same time. I really wanted to homeschool my children through their elementary years, but I was very unsure about how I was going to do that. When we moved to a new, more rural, community, it was like God completely changed mine and my husband's heart about our kids' education. There was no doubt in our minds that I was supposed to stop homeschooling and our kids needed to be in school.We visited several schools and prayed for wisdom. It was about a week before both of my parents had intense medical issues that God flung the door wide open for our children to attend a private school about 45 minutes away from us. It was a place that I had always dreamed that my kids might go, but I never in a million years thought that dream would be a reality. The school also happened to be about 10 minutes from my parent's house. God provided the financial aide we needed and we enrolled our two oldest kids there and our son in a half a day preK down the street. My heart just wants to burst thinking about God's sweet provision. I was free to be with my parents without having to work for a full school year thanks to God's abundant blessings.

As the 2016-2017 school year came to a close, I began to sense an urging to apply for a job for the next school year. We knew some of the financial resources God had given us would be running out eventually. It would also be good for me to have something to do during the time that all three of the kids would be in school, especially since I didn't want to drive that 45 minute commute back and forth. Joe, my husband, and I began to pray. I felt led to "cast the net wide" and put my resume in a few different places and asked the Lord to close the doors where He knew I didn't need to be. I had no idea what we would be doing in 5-6 months, but I knew God did. So I asked Him for His help. Through this job search, my tinier-than-a-mustard-seed faith began to grow.

God opened the door for me to have a job that not only provided for our financial needs, but it was also something I really enjoyed and could do part time. I was put in a position to be mentored by fellow teachers who could help me each step of the way. When my Mom was close to passing away and eventually did pass away at the beginning of the school year, my coworkers were there supporting me, giving me their love, thoughts, and prayers. God knew I would need all of that during this time. Having to teach each day also gave me something to keep moving forward and keep my mind occupied so that my grief wouldn't be all that I thought about.

What have I learned through this year? One of the biggest lessons is that God is not only in control, but He lovingly leads and guides families down the paths that He sees as the best for them. When we earnestly seek Him...lay down our ambitions, our pride, our desires...and say, "Here am I Lord, send me," He will. He may send you back into your home to stay home and homeschool your kids. He may open doors for you to start your own business, go back to school, or go to a job you never thought you would do. I never thought I would go back to teaching in public school in the county I grew up in. I would've been scared to death of being in some of the places I've needed to go. But what a blessing I would've missed! I've had opportunities to love and minister to children who are in dire need of love. To walk into spiritually dark places and pray for students and teachers there. Learn some lessons in my attitude and perspective when things weren't going well...which is certainly humbling...and refining. I've had the privilege of making new friends from many different places and walks of life, and I've loved the conversations and time we've gotten to spend together. The Lord knew how lonely I had been and my high need for socialization, and He provided that for me. Each time I reevaluated and asked myself the question, "Is this really what I need to be doing right now?," God gave me reassurance that "for such a time as this," I was right where He planned and provided for me to be.

I have a lot to be thankful for! On that note...happy summer and happy end of the school year!!! Woohooo!! : )

Thoughts as I read through the Bible

     I've had several personal blog posts swirling around in my mind lately, just waiting for me to take some time to jot them down. This week I'm on fall break and trying to commit some serious time to rest, rest, and more rest. It's the first week off that I've had, without being sick, since I taught summer school last June. I've been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted...and after a while, it takes a toll! So this week the kids have been in school and I've had time off to read, go to the library, go grocery shopping, have lunch with a friend, and more. One of the things I've been catching up on is my daily Bible reading. I joined a group of ladies several months ago who are coming together to read through the entire Bible in a year and discuss it as we go. When I joined this group, it was for a lot of reasons. One was because it's been several years since I've read the Bible completely through. Another was because my Papa (grandfather) and his wife, my "Nanny", read through the Bible every year for over 30 years. I am using the same type of Bible they did, and it reminds me so much of their love for the Word and all that reading through the Bible taught them. With all that we've had going on lately, I have gotten way behind...but I'm not giving up! 

    Today as I was reading, I was reminded of just who our Biblical ancestors were. I've only read through Genesis and part of Exodus, but so far we've got...

         liars,

prostitutes,

murderers,

deceivers, and slave traders.

We also have...

grace extended by a patient and loving God,

a God who forgives again and again,

a God who spares lives and prospers families...

a God who would sacrifice His own Son so that we could experience a relationship with Him.

Another thing that I love about all the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful in the Bible? That God included it all in there. God didn't cut all the sin and disobedience out of His word...He didn't sugarcoat it. Didn't make the status of the men and women after God's own heart based on their good works...because all of them were sinners. So are we. Thanks to Jesus' sacrifice, we are now after God's own heart. We are His heart.

One of my conclusions: there is so much hope for all of us in the pages of God's Word! I was listening to a song by Lauren Daigle and it really expresses this truth: He, alone, has the power to redeem. All people, all circumstances.

   

God's Faithfulness in the Midst of Hardship...a conclusion and new beginning

Journaling has always been therapy for me, so as I sit tonight, processing my thoughts and emotions, I wanted to record them. Not just for myself, but for all who want to know how God can take dust and make it into something beautiful. He can use our suffering as a means to bring glory to Himself.
My last personal post was at the New Year, about a month after my Mom had surgery to amputate her arm. In the beginning of 2017, Mom was doing wonderfully. She struggled with some pain and occasional discouragement, but the determination she's always had shone through it all. She told me several times that she just wanted to live her life to the fullest, even if she had to do it with just one arm. And she did. She learned how to drive again. She weaned herself off most of her pain medication. She went to the grocery store, went with my Dad to the movies, and began cooking again. So many times I sat amazed, thinking to myself that I could never endure what she had with such a great perspective. She was even planning to share her testimony at a local church's senior group. She was nervous about it, but knew that it was a way that she could give God glory.

I continued to spend time with my parents during the week while my children were at school, and my youngest son and I would spend most afternoons there after I picked him up. One day I found him and "Mimi" reading a book together in her room. It warmed my heart. When our kids played soccer in the spring, we were able to spend the night with my parents a lot after soccer practice and the nights before soccer games. Looking back, I'm so very thankful God gave us those days and nights of sweet fellowship. I will cherish them.
In February, a routine scan showed that Mom's cancer had begun to spread to her lungs. At this point they were small spots, but they had to be removed. I was able to take her to a few of her doctor's appointments in Atlanta during this time. As one who struggles with high levels of anxiety when it comes to going to any kind of doctor, it was hard to do this, but I'm glad now for that time of fellowship with her. We would always eat together in the cafeteria of either the hospital or the doctor's office, and enjoy each other's company. I'm so very thankful for those moments. Mom pressed on through two lung surgeries and still had her positive attitude. The aggressiveness of this cancer caused all of us to be concerned. I know that Mom was afraid and overwhelmed at times. She didn't let it defeat her, though. She continued to recuperate and try to live each day to the fullest.

Easter 2017

She and my Dad were able to drive down to our church in Unadilla, GA and celebrate Easter with us. It was a sweet day as she was able to be with our family and meet our church family who had been lifting her up in prayer so often. When our daughter became a Christian and was baptized, Mom and Dad were able to be there with us for that special occasion. Special memories I will never forget and I'm so grateful for.
The months continued and Mom began have a lot of pressure in her chest area, and we discovered there was a pocket of fluid buildup in her left lung. She had it drained at the hospital and a port was put in so that she could try a round of chemotherapy. Most of the month of June I was teaching summer school and beginning the process of being hired for a new job when school started. I was juggling my new work schedule, my family, and so many other things. The times I was able to drop in on Mom and Dad were not as often as I would've liked, but I could tell that when I was there, she wasn't feeling well. Despite all that she was feeling, she still took the time to plan a surprise 40th birthday party for me on July

Me, Mom, and my sister on my 40th birthday

4th. Just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes. My Mom knew how much I loved surprises. She also knew how much I loved my birthday, and this year was a big year for me. When I told her that she didn't have to go to all of that trouble, she said, "I wanted to do it!" Afterwards she sent my husband a text that said, "It was my joy and pleasure to see how happy it made her! It was fun and the food was good!!" :-) That was my Mom. Always loving and serving others. It brought her joy to see others happy.
Mom continued to feel more pressure in her chest and was struggling to breathe as the month went on. She knew something wasn't right, but thought it was more fluid that had built up. She and my Dad did manage to take a much desired trip to Panama City Beach, even though she wasn't feeling like herself after she had tried a few rounds of chemotherapy. The chemo had made her feel terrible. It took a lot out of her, but I know she was glad to go on their annual trip and be near the ocean, which was one of her favorite places.When she went to the doctor for another check up, they discovered that a new tumor had grown in a matter of weeks and had filled her left lung, rendering it useless. We now knew why she had been in a lot of pain and struggling for breath. She stayed at Emory a few days to get stabilized and they put her on oxygen. They also began a new drug that could potentially help prolong life. Mom went home and began yet another new "normal." The new drug did seem to help with her pain level and the oxygen helped her breathe better. In my heart, though, I felt that our time was short. I hoped that it wouldn't be, but I had a sense that being with her and saying things to her that I wanted to say was something I didn't need to put off.
I was working at my new teaching job, as school started August 1st, and had to often return home so that I could take care of the kids and relieve our babysitter. I was, however, still able to have some wonderful moments with Mom in which she was fully aware and awake. One day that stands out in particular was one in which I was speaking to one of my coworkers about our situation, Mom's illness, and some struggles I was having. She had gone through a similar experience with her father. She told me that one day it just clicked with her that she could let go of the struggles and see the time she was able care for her parents as a privilege. It was a privilege to spend those final days serving them, being with them, and all the other things going on just didn't matter. When I walked in to my parent's house that afternoon, those words were on my heart and mind, and it made a huge difference in my perspective. That day Mom was sitting on her bed in her room and she and I were able to talk, just the two of us. She wanted to know about my job, how things were going...just catch up on life. I was also able to tell her how brave I thought she was and how well she had fought her battle this year. I told her that her journey honored the Lord and that many people would come to Jesus because of this. She kind of laughed it off, but for me, it felt like a holy moment. That day I was able to help her do things to get her comfortable, things that I normally felt awkward doing, but as I saw it as a privilege it brought me joy. After a few hours that day, Mom was tired and laid down to rest. I left her house with joy and peace. A few days later Mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital for a high heart rate and breathing problems.

I went to the hospital that night and along with several others and waited for Mom to get stabilized. She was put in the ICU and we thought that she would get what she needed and would soon come home. I went to work on Monday and felt concerned, but still thought we had a good bit of time left with Mom. My brother was with her and messaged us that it looked like things were getting steadily worse and Hospice care was what we were moving towards. Once again, I'm thankful that my husband, children, and I were able to spend some time with her while she was still able to talk. She saw the children and was able to say a few words to them. You could tell that having her grandchildren there lifted her spirit. After we got home that night my brother called and said Mom's time of passing was near. I was so surprised after just seeing her a few hours before. I'm so glad I was able to go back up to the hospital and be with Mom during her final hours, along with my brother, sister, Dad, and other family members. While it was heart-wrenching, it was also a sweet time to pray with her, encourage her, tell her we loved her, and hold her. At 5:20am, on August 8th, 2017, exactly one year to the day of her cancer diagnosis, my Mom went to her forever home in Heaven.

Today was my Mom's funeral. I have honestly felt the presence of the Lord, His comfort, His peace, through all of this. I have cried tears, and I know I will continue to grieve and miss my Mom terribly, but I have a joy that can only come from knowing that my Mom's suffering has ended, she is with her Father in Heaven, and I will one day see her again. I told one of my best friends, who has been with us the past two days, that I think I've been grieving all year. I've felt the heartache of the many hard things my parents have had to go through. Moving away from our childhood home, the loss of freedom to go and do things like we used to, the physical pain, and the type of fellowship we used to have. I've grieved my children losing their grandparents at such an early age, as they've already lost both of their paternal grandparents and now their beloved "Mimi." Through the loss, through the pain, I know that there is a deeper intimacy with Christ that is gained. My Mom experienced that this year. She depended on God even more than she ever had. She told me through all of this, she was experiencing the marriage she had always wanted, as she and my Dad would spend the evenings reading God's Word together, praying together, and even singing old hymns together. I grew in my own dependence on God and have been humbled in many new ways. God gave me and my family the gift of time and fellowship with my Mom this year. And what a beautiful, treasured gift that was! I had more time with her this year than I've had in many years past, along with my husband and children as well. I can only give God the glory for arranging that.

My Mom loved God. My prayer is that through my sharing her journey others will come to know Him. This life is just the beginning of our story. If you want to learn more about how to know Christ, start with the book of John in the Bible. You can have a relationship with Jesus along with the blessed assurance of a life beyond the one we have on this earth. God bless!<3 bless="" god="" p="">

God's Faithfulness in the Midst of Hardships pt 4

    We took that first week of school one day at a time. I was walking through a haze of disbelief that all this was happening at once combined with the need to stay level headed to take every challenge on. I would repeat the phrase, "We can do hard things," quite a lot during this time. My kids would hear the first words and say it with me. It kept us moving forward. I continued to make appointments for my mom and dad at their doctor's office, working with them to do whatever we could to get my dad into a good rehab facility. With the doctor's help, and God's provision, we were able to do that. We were all relieved that he would be taken care of in a very nice facility. We had about 20 days to figure out what to do next until he needed to be moved home or into another facility.
    Another decision we had to make was to move my parents to a one level home. The stairs were just too much for them at the moment and the size of their house was too big for my mom to maintain. Once again, God provided. My sister, who now lives in Colorado with her family, had a house right down the street from my parent's house. She had been trying to sell it for over two years and it hadn't sold. It was a one story house, with plenty of space and bedrooms for my parents to live and have people to stay with them if needed. My sister's husband flew in from Colorado and over the next 10 days, he, his dad, and brother moved all the big furniture over to my sister's old house. It was

Bible journaling encourages me during this time

a huge blessing, but also hard. Their old house held within its walls so many years of childhood memories. My parents had just recently begun to do renovations and had the house looking so nice. Again, I'm a sentimental person, but we had no time to grieve the loss of our childhood home. They still have yet to begin the process of selling it, but we know that is the direction we have to go.
    Bottling up that grief, along with all the other emotions we were facing at the moment, was emotionally draining. I was coming home from our 1 1/2 hour/day commute exhausted. Anxiety over making sure needs were being met were keeping me up at night. Caffeine and fast food were soon becoming an everyday thing instead of a treat. Just talking about some of the events that were taking place would make me feel like I was having an anxiety attack or cause tears to come to my eyes. This went on for several weeks. Eventually, I realized that I had to let go of some of this and begin to take better care of myself. While I still had my morning coffee on the way to school each morning, I began to start trying to walk for 30 minutes after dropping my son off at preschool. This was a time of prayer, listening to praise music, and even shedding some tears. It was one of the best things I did for myself. I had safe places and people that I could let it all out with. Even a few of the doctors, nurses, and a social worker at the hospital were very kind to me and comforted me when I was very worried about my mom. This was all new territory for me, but God helped me persevere

Morning walk scenery

and gave me the support that I needed when times were tough. I'm so thankful for my husband, as well, who just gets me. I may not always be able to articulate my feelings and struggles well, but he understands. I needed that many times these last months.
    As the weeks continued, my mom's pain increased. Her appetite began to fade, and the pounds began to come off of her body. She lost so much that her doctor was becoming concerned and began to give her medicine to increase her appetite. Her body was under attack from this cancer in her arm. Even though it hadn't spread (thank the Lord), it was absorbing anything good from her body, causing her to be dehydrated and make her body not function properly. She had three hospital visits over the course of the next few months. She also began radiation, which she was determined to get through. My mom is one of my heroes. I've never seen such perseverance in the midst of suffering.
    My dad's time at his first rehab facility was coming to a close, so my sister and a friend of hers were helping me research a new place. I visited one facility and just as we were preparing to send my Dad there, God closed the door, but opened a door at another place that was perfect for him. We were so thankful to get him in there. He had another 20 days of rehab, but he was ready to be home. It was challenging for him as the stroke affected his emotions.
    In the middle of all this, our minivan just all of the sudden died on us. Purchasing a new vehicle was not something we were prepared for. We began to search, test drive, and pray for God to provide something we could afford with low miles. After a few crazy days of looking, we finally found a brand new vehicle that we could afford. We drove it for about a month when a big deer jumped in front of us and ruined the whole front of the van. Again, I was stressed and overwhelmed, but our church family ministered to us. They helped us get through it. We finally got our van back after a couple of weeks and then a rock hit the windshield while I was driving down the interstate to school. Thankfully, it was something that could be repaired easily, but it was just one more thing that added to the craziness of our life.  Then, unbelievably, my Dad's wallet was stolen and my brother and I had to work on getting all of the cards replaced.
    Mom completed her 5 weeks of radiation and had a scan to determine what was next. She had overheard one of the radiation doctors mention amputation early on and it caused her to be very upset. I was upset, too. We really didn't think it was even a possibility that it would go to that extreme. So when mom's doctor in Atlanta informed her that the radiation was not as effective as they hoped, the cancer had gone to her bone and amputation was the only option, we were all shocked and emotional. Through all of this, seeing my mom lose weight, suffer, and struggle emotionally was heart wrenching for me.
    Mom had her surgery to amputate her right arm on December 1st. My sister, who is a nurse, was able to fly in from Colorado to be with her. It was a relief to my brother and I, who had been doing a

My mom and uncle right after her surgery

lot, and as my family had been sick since Thanksgiving. I'm happy to say that Mom is doing so well considering what she's been through. I feel like I'm seeing my old mom again, not the shell of pain and suffering that she was. It brings tears to my eyes to think about it. My older children have adjusted to school and are thriving there. My youngest, after a rough couple of months of not doing his work at school, is finally starting to participate more and do his work. All of their teachers have been amazing. They have prayed for our family and served us in so many ways. My son who broke his leg still has a slight limp, but is doing so much better. I'm leaving out so many details about the struggles we faced along this journey, but I wanted to hit the main things just to show how God has been faithful. He has provided for our needs in so many ways. On Christmas day we had lunch at my parent's house, my Mom cooking some of the meal. What a sweet gift to see her doing so well. She has said over and over that she gives God the glory for helping her make it through this trial. Please continue to keep her in your prayers as she recovers, continues to work through her pain, and adjusts to her special needs. Please pray for my dad as well as he continues to recuperate. 
    I haven't included details of all the ways that other family members and friends have ministered to my parents, but we couldn't have gotten through it all without them. So many people have helped bring meals, sent notes, brought gifts, and visited my parents. Family members have also brought meals, helped clean the house, gone grocery shopping, and taken my parents to doctor's appointments and out on errands. It has blessed me to see all the many people who have loved my parents in so many ways, and many of them have been a listening ear for me as well, supporting me and encouraging me through some difficult moments. Teachers and staff at my children's schools have encouraged me and have been praying for us and my parents. My parent's doctors and their
staff have been wonderful, too. They have prayed for them and even been a support for me as they've seen behind the scenes how I was coping with all the circumstances. My own doctor, after I went in for a routine check up, saw that I was having a difficult time and offered to lift me and my family up in prayer with his staff. The body of Christ has lifted all of us up and we have sensed that in many ways. For me, it has been like a life preserver.
    We have been through hardships, but God has walked with us and prepared the way. When things are too much for us to bear, God bears the load and provides in ways that sometimes we don't even realize. I have seen the way God has used painful moments to move me forward, even if the process was heart wrenching. Thank you for reading our story. I pray it is a testimony to God's overwhelming <3 .="" 3="" p="">

Blessings to you from our family

goodness and faithfulness.  It will also serve as a reminder to me of all that God has done. Please continue to lift us up.
    My prayer is that we will continue to approach 2017 as we have these past years: trusting God to lead and guide us as we seek Him. We pray that He will sustain us as we face new challenges and help us to always see His hand in the blessings we are given. God bless and happy new year!

God's Faithfulness in the Midst of Hardship...part 3

 

 Having a child with a broken leg is not easy. Especially when the pain is intense, his leg has to be constantly propped up to prevent swelling, and you're trying to move. He was also trying to learn how to use crutches because he was too heavy for me to carry. It was slow going, and for an active child, it was almost torture (for his momma, too). We pressed on. Packing up twelve years of life and saying goodbye to a home that held so many memories was an emotional time for me. Many tears were shed. I really couldn't imagine our kids not playing in that yard with our neighbors or walking through our neighborhood like we'd done hundreds of times over the years. Those roads represented years of memories in themselves. Going to church after we announced that we were leaving was hard, too. We were leaving on a good note, with love in our hearts for our time there and the many friends that we had. I think I cried every time we went in because I knew that while I was excited about what was ahead, I dearly appreciated what we were leaving behind. We had shared life with so many families...through love, marriages, births, and deaths...and being the sentimental person I am, I was a mess. Towards the end of June, my mom also began

Empty old house...

having a sharp pain in her right arm. She had a lump there but it was similar to a lump she'd had in that arm before, so she didn't think much about it. Then when she was home after her vacation, she hit her arm on the refrigerator handle at her house. After that it began to hurt even worse and the lump was getting bigger. The doctor thought it might be a ruptured muscle, so she was referred to an orthopedic doctor and we all didn't think much about it. Her doctors assured her it was probably something that could be resolved soon. Life went on.
  Our moving day was July 1st. Joe worked right up until June 30th, and then started his new job, preaching his first day, on July 3rd. It was a crazy time. With the situation as it was, we were not able to even think about trying to sell our old house at the moment, but my plan after we moved out was to clean it and prepare to sell it on our own. We just didn't have the capacity to figure out how to rent it. Our old church generously gifted us financially after we left, and we saw that as a gift from the Lord to help provide for us as we transitioned and waited for our house to sell.
    After moving, I spent the next couple of weeks trying to unpack all the boxes and get the house set up. Our new church members were wonderful. They helped me unpack so much stuff, hang pictures and curtains, and brought us meal after meal. The tangible ways that they ministered to us were a huge blessing, but the love I felt in this new place, and the love that was shown to our family as a

Double rainbow right beside our house

whole, ministered to me the most. Joe and I also felt that with the location we were in, our children needed to be enrolled in school. We felt strongly about our children continuing with a faith based education, so we looked at some different Christian schools in the area. We were very impressed with the options, but had no idea how we would afford the tuition costs. Our thought was that I would work in a school in some capacity, preferably wherever our kids went. I was actually excited about the idea, as I felt it would give me something to do, help provide, and connect me with the community. After visiting one school, Joe and I felt we had found the place. The school was right down the street from us, which would give Joe the ability to visit the kids some and if they needed us for any reason we would be available. After visiting, I noticed the name of the headmaster was the same last name as a friend of mine who taught at a Christian school I was familiar with in Macon, so I asked her if there was a connection. My friend taught at the school my parents had both taught and substituted at in previous years and I had actually substituted there as well. Through our communication, she mentioned that she thought that our kids could get financial aide at their school (in Macon) since Joe was now a senior pastor. We made an appointment despite the fact that the school was quite a distance away and not one we had considered. After an encouraging meeting with the headmaster, we were able to enroll our two oldest children into the school. Our youngest son's class was already full, so I wasn't sure if it was God's way of saying that I should keep him home with me another year or find another school. I mentioned my dilemma to a friend, and she encouraged me that after all that we had been through over the years and our recent time of stress with the move, it would be good to have even a half day break while my youngest went to preschool. That conversation caused me to call a preschool at a church close to my older kids' school and inquire. They had a slot left and I was able to go and sign him up the Friday before school started. God's hand was guiding and directing us so clearly, but at the time I didn't know how much He was preparing for us. During all of this, my mom's condition seemed to get worse. Her level of pain was very high, and she was enduring a series of tests, biopsies, and other things to try to reveal what was actually happening in her arm. We were hopeful but very concerned.
   

Beautiful cotton fields by our house

After a little over a month in our new home, I had everything unpacked and in a place. I was able to get a few new things to spruce up our old furniture and our house felt like a home. It also felt like a place of peace and a refuge, which is exactly what we needed. The first day of school was August 8th, and I had spent a lot of time getting everything ready. This was our kids' first time to go to school away from home and I was a little nervous. I wanted this to be good for them and our family and prayed the transition would go smoothly. I dropped the kids off that first day with tears in my

On the way to our first day of school

eyes. This was also the day my mom had a doctor's appointment in Atlanta.
    Mom was getting the results of some tests she'd had recently. As I was picking the kids up and taking my son to the doctor, I got word that my mom's result was a fast growing cancer and she would need radiation treatments and surgery to remove it. As my dad was getting out of the car after the appointment, he fell and my brother had to call an ambulance to come get him. We thought he was just having some dizziness initially, but tests revealed that my dad had a stroke. That week and the weeks that followed were a time of stress and anxiety unlike any I'd faced.
   My mom couldn't drive because of her intense pain. She felt miserable, and had just had a painful biopsy that was causing her pain levels to reach new heights. She asked if the kids and I could stay with her at her house that first week of school while my dad was in the hospital. We stayed and I tried to do all I could to help her. I was calling her doctors, calling my dad's doctor, trying to figure out how to help my mom with her pain management and help my dad post-stroke. He and my mom had the same primary care doctor, who is fantastic. He called me personally and offered to help in any way he could. My dad was released from the hospital because he wanted to get home, not realizing he needed therapy to overcome his new disabilities as a result of the stroke. We realized that he could not go up and down the stairs at their home, the home we'd lived in most of our lives. My brother, sister, and I were doing all we could to navigate what was going on and help my parents. It was very overwhelming. My sister was trying to help us with getting my dad into a rehab facility, but it was not easy. In the meantime, my mom was completely overwhelmed with her diagnosis, her pain, and inability to give my dad 24-7 care.
    My daughter was having a really hard time emotionally with the work load and transition to school that week as well. I'm so very thankful for the teachers and staff at their new school who prayed for her and patiently helped her. My son was also still in a cast that first day of school. He had it taken off the first day and was put into a walking boot, which we were happy about but he was very hesitant to put pressure on it. This was a challenge as well. We had to schedule 6 weeks of physical

Words that spoke to my heart during this time (Ann Voskamp)

therapy to give him the confidence and physical strength to walk again. While this time was extremely stressful and overwhelming, I could see how God was preparing us for this. He set it up for our kids to be at that school so that I would be close to my parents...less than 10 minutes away. With my son in preschool, I had mornings free to help my parents, take them to appointments, etc. There was really no way I would've had the time or capacity to homeschool my children. I loved our years homeschooling, so had we not moved to this new location with my husband's job, we probably wouldn't have changed what we were doing, or been close enough to send our children to the school they were at. God kept sending financial provisions our way so that I wouldn't have to work at this time, either, which I would have had to do if our kids went to another school. With my husband's new position as senior pastor, we qualified for financial aide at our older kids' school that we wouldn't have gotten before. Over and over again, we could see all the details God had put together. It all began to be set in motion several months before. This was just August, though. More opportunities to trust God through the hardships were coming.